My real name

strawberrytelle:

• when people look at us , they be like ” i want to be in a relationship now ”.
• we go shopping together.
• we make fun of each other , but come out stronger at the end.
• we’re each others best friends.
• we take cute pictures.
• we match our outfit on some days.
• we can never stay mad at each other for so long.
• we show off each other to everyone.
• at the end of the day we’re happy we’re together , no regretting.

(Source: -alahni, via alliwantislove-deactivated20110)

you’re tired at about midnight but for some reason you say to your self you’ll stay up a few minutes longer and those minutes become hours and sleep starts becoming a notion and throughout the hours you become exceedingly indifferent to that notion.

The week before we got out of class, my roomates and I were drinking. Diana, one of the people I live with reminded me it was one of our friend’s birthday and she proposed we invite him to drink with us. Unfortunately he couldn’t because he had a final to study for. Instead I invited one of my good friend, whom I trust very much. 

When he got to my place, it surprised me to see him with his roomate. Not only was I surprised because I hadn’t invited him, but also because he was pledging a fraternity who doesn’t allow pledges to drink. He asked if there was anyone who could tell on him in our house when I said no he went inside and we started to play Jenga and take shots. 

For the most part it was a really fun night. I had finished all my work and despite the fact that I had an early morning class, I stayed up really late. I wasn’t the only one who had to do things in the morning, rudy, the pledge, had a train to catch at 4 am. In the end we finished a bottle and a half of tequila and we were all pretty drunk. After a lot of joking around, I decided to call it a day and have at least two hours of sleep before I had to wake up and get ready. I knew my friend was going to stay and sleep in the couch because he was wasted and couldn’t even walk. I assumed the pledge was going to leave to get his things ready, but I assumed wrong. I went to sleep and the next thing I know the pledge went into my room, got on top of me and started kissing me. At some point he tried to get me to give him a blow job. I can still remember his hands all over me and I hate even thinking about it.  I was so tired, drunk, and half asleep that I didn’t have the strength to move or say anything, however, I remember pushing him and I know he got mad and left. 

The next day I told my roomates, and I found out he had tried something with my other roomate and then he asked where my room was. I honestly didn’t know what to do, they both just stared at me. I couldn’t really talk to them, so I talked to my best friend and he listened and made  me feel better. We had dinner and watched a movie. Later I found out he called one of our friend who is actually part of the fraternity and told him what happened with one of his pledges. He only really needed to know the drinking part to do anything. What ended up happening was that he was dropped. 

I keep thinking back to that night, so see if somehow I led the pledge on, but the truth is that I didn’t. I actually sat by myself on a chair, apart from everyone. I regret not locking the door to my room, but then again, I never do. It’s where I live and I trust(ed) the people who live with me. I keep telling myself it’s my fault for not being careful and I keep trying to find other ways to know it’s my fault. I guess it’s easier if I do.

My friend, the one I invited to drink, texted me and was asking me what happened. I told him what happened and he was upset. Not only for what happened, but also because the now ex-pledge is his roomate. He thinks the way my friend handled the situation was wrong and that there was really no need to get his big brothers involved or for him to be kicked out of the fraternity. I honestly didn’t think about that, I feel bad because I ruined pledging for him and I know he worked really hard for that. It wasn’t until tonight, when his roomate talked to me that I realized it. I just think that if I would have kept my mouth shut none of this would have happened and I wouldn’t have all these people asking me questions and telling me how mad they are at me.

It’s been five years now, and it’s not until now that it hit me that my grandpa is gone. I remember when we used to stay at the hospital for the holidays. It’s not until now that I miss him and that I can fully understand what a big role he played in my life. If this is how I feel, I can’t imagine how much my parents went and are going through. They were his parents after all. If I miss them, I can only imagine how much they miss them. I hate that they both had to leave close to the holidays. It just makes them that much sadder. 

I went to a party Saturday night. It was so much fun! For the first time in a long time I enjoyed going out and dancing. The party ended like at 2:30 and then some friends and I went to get some food before we headed to the after party. It was all going fine until one of the girls started talking about the guys that were currently pledging the fraternity. It was no surprise to me when I found out my ex was pledging, of course since all his roomates are pledging and most of his friends crossed last year, he wasn’t going to be the only one who didn’t join. Anyway, I digress, the point is that one of the girls kept saying she liked one of the pledges and wouldn’t say the name. We started guessing names and she still wouldn’t tell us. To my great discomfort, someone mentioned my ex’s name and the girl said no, then turned to me and said, “Isn’t that your ex-boyfriend? Didn’t he treat you like shit? Yeah, I heard, not a lot of people liked him.”

When I heard her say those words, it made me feel bad, but it also helped me put things in perspective. For the longest time, and still today, I used to think that I had done something terribly wrong and that there was something wrong with me. Hearing that from someone who I don’t really talk to and didn’t really know last year made me feel, in a way stupid. I mean, if other people were able to see the way the “relationship” was going except for me, I should have seen it too, but I didn’t. I guess what I’m trying to say is that hearing it that bluntly was a good thing. It helped me realize that maybe he really isn’t wasn’t worth it.

Now more than ever I feel insecure, unsafe and alone. I have this knot in my stomach. For the first time in my life I am genuinely scared. I feel as vulnerable and helpless as a little kid. Having this experience, now more than ever, makes me feel alone, though I know it’s not true, I hate the fact that I can’t ask someone to spend the night with me just because I’m scared. I wish I could have someone to call and just pour my feelings out, or simply be with me when I’m not feeling well.

I can’t seem to go to sleep now. The only difference is that today I know why. It was around 4 am when I heard my roomate pounding on my door. I told her to come in and she was exasperated. She then asked me if I was ok. I was confused as to why she was asking me this. It wasn’t until she told me she had just gotten back from her studio and when she tried opening the door there were two men downstairs. We checked on our other roomate and thankfully she was ok. Our best guess is that the men had just broken into our house. My roomate says that at first she was trying to look for her keys, but then saw that the door was wide open. She then saw two white big men walk right pass her. At first she thought they might be our friends or something, but then she froze up when she realized they were people none of us knew. Unfortunately, it was all pitch black and she wasn’t able to see their faces.

Thankfully nothing happened to any of us. We’re guessing they had just gotten into our apartment when my roomate got home. The blind to our window was gone and that’s how they got in. I called the police right away and we filed a report.

To say that I’m scared is a great understatement. I don’t know what to think now. I keep thinking, what if something had happened to one of us, what if they would have stolen something, what if we would have been hurt. What if they decide to come back again?

I don’t want to tell my mom because she worries enough as it is. I wish I could; I’m scared and don’t know whether to feel safe or not. Come to think about it, I had greater expectation about San Luis Obispo, now they’re lower than Oakland’s. To think that the guys just passed right through my roomate without hesitation scares me. Obviously these people knew what they were doing and it scares me that they might try something again.

The fact that there’s four of us living here, the fact we’re all girls, having someone be able to break into our apartment so easily, and knowing that this may happen again frightens me—I don’t know what we would do.